my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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