he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
