Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
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I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
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Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize