Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
