if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
