please come you make the beer taste better
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
