I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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