yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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