Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
