I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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