dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
