So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
