good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
