this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
