I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
