You made me cry and you don't even care
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
