I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
