True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
