I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
