Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
