Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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