I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
