in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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