My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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