Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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