i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
