I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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