she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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