And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
