You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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