Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I cut my penus on the lid.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
