Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
