Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
