shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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