In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
