so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
