I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
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6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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