I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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