I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
