I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
