I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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