Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line