I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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