My cat gives me a boner
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
