I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I intend to get homeless drunk
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
