hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
