hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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