I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
