you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
