The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
