Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I deserve to be covered in dicks
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
