listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
