Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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