i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
