It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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