i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
