Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
