it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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